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Band 9 SampleOpinion EssayHealth

Band 9 Opinion Essay

The best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

245 words
34 minutes
Band 9

Key Features

  • Clear position with balanced acknowledgment of counter-arguments
  • Well-developed paragraphs with specific examples
  • Academic vocabulary and formal tone
  • Sophisticated use of cohesive devices

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Band 9 Essay

While it is often argued that expanding sports facilities is the most effective means of enhancing public health, I strongly believe that this approach alone is insufficient and that a multifaceted strategy addressing diet, education, and healthcare access is necessary.

There is no doubt that increasing the availability of sports facilities can encourage physical activity and contribute to better health outcomes. When communities have easy access to gyms, swimming pools, and parks, people are more likely to incorporate exercise into their daily routines. Regular physical activity is proven to reduce the risk of chronic diseases such as obesity, heart disease, and diabetes. Furthermore, sports facilities can foster social connections and community engagement, which have positive mental health benefits.

However, relying solely on sports facilities ignores other critical determinants of public health. Diet plays an equally important role; even with abundant exercise opportunities, poor nutritional choices can lead to health problems. Public health campaigns focusing on healthy eating and nutritional education are essential. Additionally, healthcare access and preventative medicine are fundamental—early detection and treatment of diseases save more lives than exercise alone. Mental health services, smoking cessation programs, and initiatives targeting specific at-risk populations are also crucial components of a comprehensive public health strategy.

In conclusion, while increasing sports facilities can certainly contribute to public health improvements, I believe it should be part of a broader approach that includes dietary education, healthcare access, and targeted public health interventions.

(Word count: 245)

Vocabulary Highlights

multifaceted

多方面的

Band 9

a multifaceted strategy

determinants

决定因素

Band 9

determinants of public health

chronic diseases

慢性疾病

Band 8

chronic diseases such as obesity

cessation

停止

Band 9

smoking cessation programs

Grammar Highlights

While it is often argued that... (concessive clause)

this approach alone is insufficient (emphatic structure)

ignoring other critical determinants (participial phrase)

even with abundant exercise opportunities (prepositional phrase)

Essay Structure

Introduction

Paraphrase + thesis statement (disagree - need multifaceted approach)

Body Paragraph 1

Argument 1: Benefits of sports facilities (access, chronic disease prevention)

Body Paragraph 2

Argument 2: Counter-argument (diet, healthcare access, mental health, other factors)

Conclusion

Restate position + broader approach needed

Examiner Comments

Task Response

9

Fully addresses all parts. Clear position throughout with well-developed arguments.

How fully the question is answered, position is clear, ideas are developed

Coherence and Cohesion

9

Logical organization. Wide range of cohesive devices used accurately.

Organization, paragraphing, and use of cohesive devices

Lexical Resource

9

Extensive vocabulary with sophisticated word choice.

Vocabulary range, accuracy, and appropriateness

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

9

Complex structures with full flexibility and accuracy.

Variety and accuracy of grammatical structures

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Average improvement of 0.8 band, 73% break through the 6.5 plateau

S

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India

6.57.5(3 weeks)
The analysis showed I wasn't using examples properly. Once I fixed that, my score jumped! The AI feedback was incredibly specific.
Key BreakthroughIdentified Task Response issues
4.8/5
Average Rating
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Analyses Done
73%
Success Rate
+0.8
Avg. Improvement

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